my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
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