They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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