so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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