hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
You've changed since you got that strap on
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
