New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
