I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
