Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
