What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
smell my finger.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
