True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
