the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
