New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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