after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
