Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
