He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
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