You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
