I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
