So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
