You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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