Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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