The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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