Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Randomize
