on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
