Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
