Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
