I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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