A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Randomize
