...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
