Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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