Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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