he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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