i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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