We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I just found puke in my bra..
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
