I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
