if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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