dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Green mimosas i think yes
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
