why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
We had to coat check the pizza.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
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