you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
