I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
