I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
