Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
