So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
He's a Shit stain on my heart
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
