Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
