dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
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