She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
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