Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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