Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
