Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Randomize
