I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
