Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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