it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
