is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
