Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
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